Logging in today it’s shocking to see that it has been 3 whole years since this site was last updated. I originally created this site as an outlet for all of the emotions I had to get out, my way of expressing myself, my own form of therapy. But that changed when I met my husband and he became my new outlet. Together, there’s nothing we can’t work through and that became so incredibly and painfully evident in the last year.
This past year lent such immense heartbreak, greater than either of us had ever imagined possible. After more than half a pregnancy of growing to love our little man and excitement to finally meet him, we were unexpectedly thrown into a nightmare when we received terrible news at our routine 20 week ultrasound. Through a truly trying time of endless appointments and consultations with specialists, we ultimately had to come to terms with the fact that his story was not going to have a happy ending. His severe congenital heart condition was unfortunately advanced beyond the marvels of modern medicine.
We dealt with and continue to deal with the grief after the loss in many ways, but perhaps my favorite was the afternoon that we went together to each get our own meaningful tattoo in memory of our sweet little boy. For me, forever inscribed into my arm is the memory of his heartbeat, my husband and I’s love for him, and the reminder that he will always be a part of me, even though he’s now gone.
You should be here
Instead of this ink upon my skin
I should be holding you
Instead of the thoughts of what could have been
Nothing could have prepared me
For the bad news received that fateful day
I never imagined when it all started
That things would have turned out this way
Bad luck, rare occurrence
Is what the doctors said
Carefully explaining the condition
And the bleak prognosis that lay ahead
It’s not your fault
They assured us time after time
But they’re not the ones left feeling
Like they’ve committed the ultimate crime
Our journey together was cut short
But my love for you never will
I think about you constantly
And the tears still so often spill
You should be here
Instead of the memories and the pain
But for now I’ll hold you in my heart
Until someday we meet again.
Blatantly Brooke 